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chuck norris

added by Pete, 06/02/2006 (modified 15/04/2007)

"facts about chuck"

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chuck
  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
  • Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
  • Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
  • Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
  • Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
  • Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, one of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
  • We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
  • M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
  • Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
  • Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
  • Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
  • There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.
  • Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  • Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
  • There are no disabled people. Only people who have pissed off Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  • The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, Now.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
  • After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
  • Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
  • Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
  • As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
  • We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, Please don't kill me. Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
  • Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  • Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  • Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity" then you are dead wrong.
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