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dating rules

added by Pete, 04/04/2005. source : email, unknown.

"general dating rules for guys"

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  • don't call, ever.
  • beer.
  • if you don't like a girl, don't tell her. it's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  • here's a good pickup line, "my girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
  • play with yourself. talk about it.
  • be as ambiguous as possible. if you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
  • always remember: you are a man. therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  • girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  • name your penis. be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  • if you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
  • never ask for help. even if you really, really need help- don't ask. people will think you have no penis.
  • women like it when you ignore them. it arouses them.
  • vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
  • if you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "i don't know. i just don't like her personality."
  • if, god forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. bodily noises are permissible.
  • one sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. she will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. tell her you will call. then, refer back to rule #1 - don't call, ever.
  • don't wear matching clothes. people will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  • deny everthing.
  • good break up line, "it's not me, it's you."
  • if you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
  • if anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. improvise.
  • feelings? eh?
  • tell this to your girl before you have sex, "don't worry. if you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
  • life is one big competition. if someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
  • every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. do so.
  • at any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. if, by chance, you have play-doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. measure to make sure it's right.
  • a general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  • try to have a good memory, but it's ok if you forget trivial things. you know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
  • ignorance solves problems. if you can't see them, they can't see you.
  • it is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  • play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  • play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  • if people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, don't stop! this is the desired reaction.
  • you are not a virgin. ever. males are born without virginity.
  • you are male, therefore you are superior.
  • agenda for a boring evening: get beer. drink beer. play with yourself. have sex. drink more beer. pass out.
  • females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  • if you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with you, and then tell her.
  • if you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  • if the question begins with "why," the answer is "i don't know."
  • if you go shopping, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. if this takes hours, so be it. you will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  • keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. compare with others.
  • if anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
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