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evil overlord

added by Pete, 04/04/2005. source : email, unknown.

"if i was an evil overlord.."

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  • my ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  • my noble half-brother whose throne i usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  • shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  • the artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the mountain of despair beyond the river of fire guarded by the dragons of eternity. it will be in my safe-deposit box. the same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  • i will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
  • when i've captured my adversary and he says, "look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" i'll say, "no." and shoot him. no, on second thought i'll shoot him then say "no."
  • after i kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  • i will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. if it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "danger: do not push". the big red button marked "do not push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. similarly, the on/off switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  • the hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  • i will never employ any device with a digital countdown. if i find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, i will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  • i will never utter the sentence "but before i kill you, there's just one thing i want to know."
  • when i employ people as advisors, i will occasionally listen to their advice.
  • i will not have a son. although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  • i will not have a daughter. she would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
  • despite its proven stress-relieving effect, i will not indulge in maniacal laughter. when so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  • i will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like nazi stormtroopers, roman foot soldiers, or savage mongol hordes. all were eventually defeated and i want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  • i will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. that way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  • i will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least i will never utter the line "no, this cannot be! i am invincible!!!" (after that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  • no matter how well it would perform, i will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
  • no matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. therefore, i will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
  • i will never build only one of anything important. all important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. for the same reason i will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  • my pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which i could not accidentally stumble.
  • i will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  • i will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil i really am. good messengers are hard to come by.
  • i will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. if i have an unstoppable super weapon, i will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  • once my power is secure, i will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
  • when i capture the hero, i will make sure i also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
  • if an advisor says to me "my liege, he is but one man. what can one man possibly do?", i will reply "this." and kill the advisor.
  • if i learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, i will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  • i will treat any beast which i control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  • if i learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, i will not send all my troops out to seize it. instead i will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a want-ad in the local paper.
  • my main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard ibm and macintosh powerbooks.
  • i will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
  • if i must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the main control room. that room will be the execution chamber. the actual main control room will be marked as sewage overflow containment.
  • my security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
  • no matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  • when i create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, i will not label the disk "project overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  • if my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, i will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  • i will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." instead it will be more along the lines of "push the button."
  • after i captures the hero's super weapon, i will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because i believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. after all, the hero held the weapon and i took it from him.
  • any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45mb in size.
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