Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husbandbwas cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

---

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old doing it would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

---

Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when i left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my

Door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously

On the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" i responded, "i guess not. What do you have in mind?" she said, "let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"ok." i nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

And so i just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

---

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

---

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

---

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said,"thanks, but I failed to mention, that there was a condition to your wishes - that, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more!"

The woman said, "that would be ok", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be ok, because I'll be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me!" So - ABRACADABRA - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her 2nd wish she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you!"

The woman said, "That will be ok because what is mine is his and what is his is mine!" So - ABRACADABRA - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her 3rd wish and she answered:" I'd like a mild heart attack"!

---

a young man graduated from university of arkansas with a degree in journalism. his first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. being from arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

he went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. the young man asked, "has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

the farmer thought for a minute and said, "yep! one time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. we formed a posse and found it. we all screwed it and took it back home."

"i can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

after another moment, the farmer said, "yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. we formed a big posse that time and found her. after we all screwed her, we took her back home."

again, the young man said "i can't print that either. has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" the old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "i got lost once."

---

an englishman, australian and irish man are up in front of a firing squad. the englishman screams 'flash flood!', the soldiers look around, the englishman runs away. the australian thinks its a pretty good idea, so he yells 'tornado!', the soldiers look around and he runs away. the irishman decides to give it a go, so he shouts 'fire!'

---

a young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "what can i get you?" the bartender inquires. "i want 6 shots of jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! are you celebrating something?" "yeah, my first blowjob." "well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "no offence, sir. but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

---

a man worked in a post office. his job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. one day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to god. he thought, "i better open this one and see what it's all about."

so he opened it and it read, "dear god, i am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. yesterday someone stole my purse. it had a hundred pounds in it which was all the money i had until my next pension cheque. next sunday is easter, and i had invited two of my friends over for dinner. without that money, i have nothing to buy food with. i have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. can you please help me?"

the postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. by the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 pounds, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

easter came and went, and a few days later another letter came from the old lady to god. all the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

it read, "dear god, how can i ever thank you enough for what you did for me? because of your generosity, i was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. we had a very nice day, and i told my friends of your wonderful gift.

by the way, there was four pounds missing. it was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

---

a woman is shopping in the local supermarket. she selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. as she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "you must be single."

the woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "that's right. how on earth did you know?"

he replies, "because you're ugly."

---

"a tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. while he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "i'll have a monkey please."

the shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. he fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "that'll be 5000pounds." the customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "that was a very expensive monkey. most of them are only a few hundred pounds. why did it cost so much?"

the shopkeeper answered, "ah, that monkey can program a computer in c -- very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

the tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "that one's even more expensive! 10,000pounds! what does it do?"

"oh, that one's a c++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, visual c++, even some java. all the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

the tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. the price tag around its neck read 50,000pounds. he gasped to the shopkeeper, "that one costs more than all the other put together! what on earth does it do?"

the shopkeeper replied, "well, i haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."