I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up ...

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what is the thinnest book in the world?

"what men know about women."

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what is the difference between a man and e.t.?

e.t. phoned home.

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an airplane is about to crash, and everyone is panicking. a beautiful woman stands up and said, "hell, we're all going to die; we might as well die in pleasure." so she got undresses and asked, "is there a real man that can make me feel like a real woman for the last time." so a man stands up and took off his shirt then he threw the shirt at the naked woman and said, "iron this."

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yesterday scientists in the usa revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. to prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

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why don't women laugh at sexist jokes?

because they don't have a sense of humour

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why don't men trust women?

would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn't die?

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why do women have orgasms?

it gives them something else to moan about

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how do you blind a woman?

put a windshield in front of her face

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what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, you already told her twice

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men have their faults, but women have only two.

everything they say, and everything they do.

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women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

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a man was complaining to a friend, "i had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. then, pow! it was all gone!" "what happened?" asked the friend. "my wife found out..."

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why do women have tits?

so men will talk to them

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how can you tell if your wife is dead?

the sex is the same but the dishes pile up

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what 3 words do you dread most while making love?

"honey, i'm home."

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do you know why women fake orgasm?

because men fake foreplay.

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a "husband shopping centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. it was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. the only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. so, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

first floor, the door had a sign saying: "these men have jobs and love kids."

the women read the sign and say: "well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but i wonder what's further up?"

so up they go. second floor says: "these men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking".

"hmmm", say the girls, "but, i wonder what's further up?".

third floor: "these men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"wow!" say the women. "very tempting, but, there's more further up!" and so again, they go up.

fourth floor: "these men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"oh, mercy me. but just think!?!?! what must be awaiting us further on!"

so up to the fifth floor they go.

the sign on that door said: "this floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"