the ghost shit

the kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

the clean shit

the kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

the second wave shit

this shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

the brain haemorrhage through your nose shit, also known as "pop a vein in your forehead shit".

you have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

the liquid shit

that's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

the crowd pleaser

this shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

the groaner

a shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

the ranger

a shit which refuses to let go. it is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

the peek-a-boo shit

now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. requires patience and muscle control.

the power dump shit

the kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

the spinal tap shit

the kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

the "i think i'm turning into a bunny" shit

when you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

the "what the hell died in here?" shit

also sometimes referred to as the toxic dump. of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin' and gasping for air.

the "i just know there's a turn still dangling there" shit

where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.