symptom : drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

fault : glass empty.

action required : find someone who will buy you another beer.

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symptom : drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

fault : mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

action required : buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

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symptom : feet cold and wet.

fault : glass being held at incorrect angle.

action required : turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

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symptom : feet warm and wet.

fault : improper bladder control.

action required : go stand next to nearest dog. after a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

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symptom : floor blurred.

fault:you are looking through bottom of empty glass.

action required:find someone who will buy you another beer.

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symptom : floor swaying.

fault : excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

action required : insert broom handle down back of jacket.

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symptom : floor moving.

fault : you are being carried out.

action required:find out if you are being taken to another bar. if not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

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symptom : opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourscent light strip across it.

fault:you have fallen over backward.

action required:if your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. if not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.